Untold Story
April 1994
One morning in April of 1994 - I woke up from a dream and my life took a different course. I was bewildered by the dream. It wasn't a dream of fancy or imagination. It was very real and vivid to me. It was mystical and spiritual. It was one of those dreams you find a hard time talking about. The night before - I had been crying. It was a deep crying moan from the depth of my soul. I had a mental block in place. I couldn't remember why I had been crying so hard the night before. My family had been concerned about my state of mind. I couldn't hide my emotions from them. One member stated,
"You looked like you lost your best friend yesterday. What happened? Are you okay? Is there anything I can help you with?"
The night before, I would have sworn on my own soul - that I had a visionary dream with a Seattle musician. The one whose death was being reported on the news. I had no idea why he was in my dreams. I had a vague remembrance of a roommate I once had. He was from Seattle. I didn't feel they were one and the same. Something had scrambled my memories during the dream. There were memories locked away in the subconscious. I was searching for answers for my own self.
"Why was there the spirit of a Seattle musician hanging out in my bedroom the night before --- and ---- why was he talking to me in my dreams?"
I felt we had talked for hours that had turned into days in the dream. In the dream - everything made sense. When I woke up back to the real world of reality again -- I was absolutely confused. The "spirit" had suggested I have a talk with my nephew. I took off work and waited the entire day - turning the dream over and over again in my mind. I was hoping my nephew would shed some light on the dream and why that young man felt a need to come haunting me in the middle of the night. The first question out of my mouth to my nephew was,
"Did you know that Seattle singer your always trying to get me to listen to? That one by the name of Kurt? Was he a friend of yours?"
My nephew was as confused as I was. He shook his head and told me he felt that wouldn't be a secret he could have held to him self. I talked to him about the dream. My nephew knew me. He knew how I had been in sorry state of mind. My nephew reminded me of the story I had told most of the family and some of my friends. How I had shared an apartment with a Seattle musician once. How he had went left and I has went right - with the promise to meet up in the future. I could remember that vaguely.
The story
What I shared with people was simple. I had lived with a guitarist and lyricist in 1986. He had wanted me to come to Seattle with him. I had written some poetry and he wanted to use it for inspiration for lyrics. We made a spiritual pact with one another and decided it was best to split up with the promise to meet in the future. That the most I could remember. I knew that he was friends with someone from a group called "Soundgarden." In 1992, I had heard something in a song that made me want to stop listening to any song coming out of Seattle. Another group by the name of "Temple" something had put out a song that rubbed me wrong. After that - I wouldn't listen to any Seattle group. I had heard of Nirvana - but had not heard any of their songs for the same reason. I was afraid of hearing something I didn't want to hear. My nephew knew more about it than I did. He knew why the group "Temple of the Dog" had put out one album. It is strange how the mind works. I felt like someone, or something about the poetry, our agreement, and the songs written from that - had pissed me off and I didn't want to talk about it - until I felt "God" pointed me back in the direction of my old friend again. I had buried our association so deep in my subconscious - I couldn't remember his name.
Kurt
My nephew was the first to ask.
"Are your sure your old roommate wasn't Kurt?"
I told my nephew - that even though I didn't have direct access to my memories -- I had sensations and feelings associated with the thoughts of them. I didn't feel like it was Kurt, but I didn't know for sure. I knew that my roommate had put me on the phone with several Seattle musicians. I theorized (in my state of ignorance) that he may have been one of them I talked with.
In 1994 - my nephew knew what I was doing. He had spoken to his Dad about the subject matter. I had once spoken to his Dad concerning my total avoidance of the Seattle sound. I told him I had heard a group called "Temple of the Dog" play a tune. I told him that as far as I was concerned - I never wanted to hear that song - or that group ever again. My Brother-in-law told me that I could run, but I wouldn't be able to hid from my self. He told me I had to turn and face the music sooner or later. I told him that my choice was for it to be later. Much later. My Brother-in-law advised my nephew to comply with my wishes and avoid playing any Seattle bands around me. That is why I never had listened to Nirvana. Anyone who knew me from 1992 to 1994 - would have had hell to pay for playing a Seattle song in my presence. I was trying to bury memories from my past.
My Nephew
My Nephew guessed there was a deep connection between Kurt and myself. He felt I was once again running from my past. I thought my 10 year old nephew was insightful and intelligent for his age. He guessed I was hiding something from my self - to keep myself from feeling the pain I had felt the night before.
"Uncle. I heard you last night. I was sad because of the news. You were not just sad Uncle. You were way beyond sad. You was down right miserable. I never heard a grown person cry like that. It was pitiful. If you need to forget to avoid that sort of pain - then you and him must have shared something very special."
I knew I had written some songs with someone from Seattle. I had no idea who they were after 1994.
My nephew asked me,
"Uncle - I have a feeling -- your going to remember some day. Maybe you are going to have to put time between you and the hurting before you look back on the good of it all. When you do remember who it was - I want to be the first one you tell the story to. Okay?" I promised him that story when the time came for me to remember.
Promises
I ran from 1994 to 2006. I watched two movies that tripped me up and triggered the recall I had been avoiding. I went from 1994 to 2006 without listening to any Seattle groups. There was a deep and profound sadness, hurt, pain, and misery hidden inside of me. The sound of a Nirvana song would trigger the pain. It was like a ton of hot coals dumped inside of the pit of my stomach. I got tired of the pain in 2006 and decided enough was a enough. I had to know the truth of what was buried and hidden in my past -- and why it caused me so much pain. I found promises hidden away in my heart. That is the only thing that kept me alive in 2006. It was very hard to face the truth. The reason I had to bury the memories, was to keep myself alive. I would have died in 1994 otherwise. I almost died again in 2006.
I am a man who believes in keeping his word. I have some promises to two dear friends of mine from Seattle. One by the name of Andy and the other by the name of Kurt. I have another promise to keep to my nephew. I can remember the friends and the songs that came out of our friendships. We had long range plans set in motion.
I was the "silent partner" in the lyrical composition of several songs that came out Seattle. The melodies of two of the compositions were influenced my mystical means.
First, I have a story to share with my nephew. He told me he thought the rest of the world would find an interest in the truth behind the songs.
